April 07, 2003

Bush And The Pope

The Pope is visiting DC and President Bush takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac...sailing on the presidential yacht, the Sequoia. They're admiring the sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water. Secret service guys start to launch a boat, but Bush waves them off, saying "Wait, wait. I'll take care of this. Don't worry."

Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Holy Father's little hat, bends over, picks it out of the water, then walks back to the yacht and climbs aboard. He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.

The next morning, the Washington Post, New York Times and the Los Angeles Times carry a story, with front page photos, of the event. The banner headline is:

"Bush Can't Swim!"

Posted by queue at 07:20 AM | Comments (0) | Category: Humor

Got Root?

This weekend, I was asked by a guy at the store what "I Am Root" meant, (the license plate frame on my car). My first thought was, "How do I explain root to a guy who asks what root is?" My reply? "It's a computer term." Duh, I suppose I could have said, "In computer terms, it's the guy with all the power." Now I feel undeserving of the frame. Oh well, at least I've got my answer straight for the next person that asks.

Posted by queue at 07:15 AM | Comments (0) | Category: Humor

April 04, 2003

Who's The Fool Now?

In light of the April Fool's jokes I mentioned, I thought this April Fool's story would be interesting. Just shows that you have to think before you fool.

Posted by queue at 06:46 PM | Comments (0) | Category: Humor

April 03, 2003

I Am Root

After I bought my new car, I mentioned to my wife that I wanted to get new license plate frames that didn't advertise the name of the car dealership. She decided to get me the frame you see below, one for the front, one for the back. Pretty funny. :)


Posted by queue at 07:57 PM | Comments (1) | Category: Humor

April 01, 2003

A Fool By Any Other Name

My wife is a tremendous prankster. Needless to say, she lives for today. Every year, I spend the day trying to avoid her tricks. So far, she filled my car with balloons, and switched my shoe inserts with hers. I wondered why my feet were hurting this morning. And it's only 7:45 am! I'm just glad I'm at work. At least I won't have to deal with more pranks until I get home this evening. One of these years I'm going to out-prank her.

Posted by queue at 07:45 AM | Comments (0) | Category: Humor

March 21, 2003

Trying To Help

Ok, this is a little thing someone sent me supposedly by Dennis Miller. I haven't verified it, but it's actually pretty good no matter who wrote it.

"TRYING TO HELP"
By Dennis Miller

All the rhetoric on whether or not we should go to war against Iraq has got my little brain spinning like a top. I enjoy reading opinions from both sides, but I've detected a hint of confusion from some of you. Maybe this can help.
As I was reading the paper recently, I was reminded of the best advice anyone ever gave me. He told me about the "KISS" method ("Keep It Simple, Stupid!"). So with this as a theme, I'd like to apply this theory for those who don't quite get it. My hope is that we can simplify things and recognize a few important facts.
Here are ten things to consider when voicing an opinion on this important issue:

(1) Between President Bush and Saddam Hussein ... Hussein is the bad guy.

(2) If you have faith in the United Nations to do the right things, keep this in mind: the UN has Libya heading the Committee on Human Rights and Iraq heading the Global Disarmament Committee. Do your own math here.

(3) If you use a Google or Yahoo search and type in "French Military Victories," don't be surprised if your computer panics at its inability to respond to your inquiry.

(4) If your only anti-war slogan is "No War For Oil," hire a pit bull lawyer and sue your school district for having allowed you to slip through the cracks and robbing you of the minimum education that any non-troglodyte deserves

(5) You can take this one to the bank: Saddam and bin Laden will NOT seek UN approval before they try to kill us.

(6) Despite common belief among some, Martin Sheen is NOT the President. He only plays one on TV.

(7) If you are anti-war and even an outright "America Basher," to bin Laden you are still an "infidel" whom he wants dead.

(8) Be careful: if you believe in a "vast right-wing conspiracy," but not in the danger that Hussein poses, the only job you may be able to get is as an Ivy League college professor.

(9) Even multi-culturalists who try to browbeat us into believing that all cultures are equally deserving of respect have trouble explaining the past 500 years of Islam.

(10) Whether you are for or against military action, our young men and women overseas are fighting to defend our right to speak out on these issues. They deserve our unreserved support.

I hope this helps.

Posted by queue at 06:27 AM | Comments (0) | Category: Humor, Punditry

March 20, 2003

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy 5 years ago.

Good: Your wife is not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She is a Lawyer.

Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a gun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients.
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do.

Posted by queue at 07:21 AM | Comments (0) | Category: Humor

March 18, 2003

Humor Day

As you no doubt realize, my brother and I both run blogs off the same Movable Type installation. Today, he's posted quite a few humours entries ending with a link to an article about Pepsi vs. Coke. This is good reading. Check it out.

Posted by queue at 08:04 PM | Comments (0) | Category: Humor

March 11, 2003

Every Keyboard Should Have One

Posted by queue at 08:24 PM | Comments (0) | Category: Humor

Humor Break

THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK, BUT CAN'T!

  1. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
  2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
  3. How about never? Is never good for you?
  4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
  5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
  6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
  7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
  8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
  9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
  10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of crap.
  11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
  12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
  13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
  14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
  15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
  16. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
  17. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
  18. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
  19. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
  20. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
  21. Do I look like a people person?
  22. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
  23. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
  24. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
  25. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
  26. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
  27. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
  28. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
  29. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
  30. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
  31. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
  32. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
  33. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
  34. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
  35. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Posted by queue at 08:20 PM | Comments (0) | Category: Humor