Thursday, February 05, 2004
He says alcohol is optional. I sort of think it would have to be required! [~stevenf]
Comments: 0 (Comments are now closed.)• • •
Wednesday, January 28, 2004
GarageBand is just so stinkin’ cool. It’s even more fun to play with than Soundtrack. I was going to say that I have no musical skill whatsoever, but that’s not entirely true. I took a couple of piano lessons in elementary, played a trombone in upper elementary, and started learning acoustic guitar in high school before I sliced the tip of my left pointer finger, rendering it impossible to mash on strings for more than a couple minutes without a lot of pain. But don’t let these things fool you. I’m not a musician. Nevertheless, I (and anyone) can create some great tracks in GarageBand.
Thus, I offer my very first track created in GarageBand using nothing but its built-in instruments. Most of it is looped MIDI files, but I manually recorded underlying chords of a Hollywood Strings instrument and I tweaked some notes of the bass line.
The track is called Freely and, while I still claim copyright on it, I offer it to you…well, freely.
I hope to create and share more tracks in the future.
Comments: 0 (Comments are now closed.)• • •
Friday, December 26, 2003
I meant to post this yesterday, but didn’t have access to it until now.
Yes, I know it makes some references that date it several years, but it’s still funny:
(Sung to the tune of “Winter Wonderland”)
Doorbell rings, I’m not list’nin’,
From my mouth, drool is glist’nin’,
I’m happy—although
My boss let me go—
Happily addicted to the Web.All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There’s beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web.Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, “Yo, man!
Comments: 0 (Comments are now closed.)
Don’t you know tonight’s the senior prom?”
With a listless shrug, I mutter, “No, man;
I just discovered MTV-dot-com!”
I don’t phone, don’t send faxes,
Don’t go out, don’t pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?
I’m happily addicted to the Web!
Happily addicted to the Web…
Happily addicted to the Web…• • •
Sunday, December 14, 2003
Haha—beautiful Joy of Tech cartoon this evening.
Comments: 0 (Comments are now closed.)• • •
Tuesday, December 02, 2003
Political Economics Simplified:
DEMOCRAT
- You have two cows.
- Your neighbor has none.
- You feel guilty for being successful.
- Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN
- You have two cows.
- Your neighbor has none.
- So?
SOCIALIST
- You have two cows.
- The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
- You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
- You have two cows.
- The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
- You wait in line for hours to get it.
- It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
- You have two cows.
- You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
- You have two cows.
- The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country, who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
- You have two cows.
- The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
- You have two cows.
- You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the second one.
- You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
- You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
- You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
- Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
- You have two cows.
- You go on strike because you want three cows.
- You go to lunch and drink wine.
- Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
- You have two cows.
- You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
- Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
- You have two cows.
- You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
- Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
- You have two cows but you don’t know where they are.
- While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
- You break for lunch.
- Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
- You have two cows.
- You have some vodka.
- You count them and learn you have five cows.
- You have some more vodka.
- You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
- The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
- You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
- You don’t milk them because you cannot touch any creature’s private parts.
- Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.
IRAQI CORPORATION
- You have two cows.
- They go into hiding.
- They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
- You have two bulls.
- Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
- You have a black cow and a brown cow.
- Everyone votes for the best-looking one.
- Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither.
- Some people can’t figure out how to vote at all.
- Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking cow.
NEW YORK CORPORATION
- You have fifteen million cows.
- You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd.
- You pick some fat cow from Arkansas.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
Comments: 0 (Comments are now closed.)
- You have millions of cows.
- Most are illegals.
- Arnold likes the ones with the big tits.
• • •
Saturday, November 22, 2003
I’m not a huge fan of advertising baloney, but Outback Steak House came up a great one that I saw last night. Starts with a guy in his office at a computer who is digging some sort of snack-like food out of a bag. He squeezes and crunches it up in his hands, raises his fist full of snack up in the air and sprinkles it all over his desk. The viewer doesn’t yet know exactly what the snack is or where it went when it fell. Cut to the next scene and boss-looking man is walking down the hall. The scene looks as if it’s pretty late in the day. He stops next to a closed door and hears a keyboard being click-clacked away on very diligently and the boss man gets a faintly satisfied look on his face. Back in the office, no one is there. The window is open and pigeons have come in and are pecking at the food all over the worker’s keyboard! Last scene shows the worker at Outback enjoying a meal but looking overworked. Someone else glances at him and asks, “been working hard?” He replies, “even as we speak.”
I gotta remember that one!
Comments: 0 (Comments are now closed.)• • •
Sunday, November 16, 2003
Since this post heralds the removal of the /vacation/* items from my domain (see the link at the top level of this domain for the current location of my photo albums), after having successfully transplanted everything to a Gallery interface, I’m sharing the last little tidbit from those old albums. Couldn’t think of a better place than here.
By the way, I actually have been kind of busy with the photo albums. There are now 11 albums (14 if you count sub-albums) with a total of 946 images, and I’m liable to add another album or two with 40 or so more photos before tonight is over.
But never mind that. What I wanted to share was this list of commandments for tourists that I found at the Reversing Falls Restaurant in St. John, New Brunswick, Canada. It’s great advice.
Comments: 0 (Comments are now closed.)
- Thou shalt not expect to find things as thou has them at home, for thou has left home to find things different.
- Thou shalt not take anything too seriously, for a carefree mind is the beginning of a fine holiday.
- Thou shalt not let other tourists get on thy nerves, for thou art paying out good money to enjoy thyself.
- Remember to take only half the clothes thou thinks thou need—and twice the money.
- Know at all times where thy passport is, for a person without a passport is a person without a country.
- Remember that if we had been expected to stay in one place, we would have been created with roots.
- Thou shalt not worry, for he that worrieth hath no pleasures—few things are ever fatal.
- When in Rome, thou shalt be prepared to do somewhat as the Romans do.
- Thou shalt not judge the people of a country by one person who hast given thee trouble.
- Remember thou art a guest in other lands, and he that treateth his host with respect shall be honoured.
• • •
Now You, Too, Can Be an Intergalacticly Famous TV Host
Somebody buy me one. C’mon, it’s only 40 grand!
Comments: 0 (Comments are now closed.)• • •
Friday, November 14, 2003
A fellow ATPM staffer sent this one to all of us:
**IMPORTANT NOTICE** The average person contains 5 to 25 pounds of waste buildup in their colon. This leads to obesity, colon cancer, deadly toxins, and parasite buildup.You’re about to discover the true secrets about your colon and digestive system and how it significantly impacts your health and enhances your weight loss program. Plain, simple, and to-the-point information that is vitally important to your overall good health.The staff member who forwarded this said it is the opening to a piece of spam he received. He amusingly alluded that perhaps spammers contain 25 pounds of shit, but an average person does not. And, since most spammers have shit for brains, their colons must somehow connect to their heads.
Comments: 0 (Comments are now closed.)• • •
Tuesday, November 04, 2003
Thanks, Eric, for a good laugh tonight. I needed it.
“…Were Lee not so understanding and level-headed, though, the results could have been disastrous…”Comments: 0 (Comments are now closed.)• • •
Sunday, October 26, 2003
The top ten reasons you should buy a $799 eMac, even if you think you don’t need one (as seen on BillPalmer.net).
Lost in the headlines of Panther and iTunes last week, Apple quietly repriced the combo-drive eMac to $799. Even two years ago, acquiring a 1-gigahertz, CD-burning, DVD-playing G4 Mac with a 17-inch screen for under $800 would have required something immoral, something illegal, or being Steve Jobs’ nephew. If you’ve got a little extra cash lying around, here are ten things you may not have realized you could do with a spare eMac:Comments: 0 (Comments are now closed.)
- Get that screen saver that has the fish swimming around, and tell unsuspecting Windows-using visitors that it’s a real fish tank.
- Turn it into a real fish tank.
- Set it screen-facing-down on your coffee table and tell your house guests that it’s the nose cone of a real space shuttle, then ask them to help you sell it on eBay.
- Set it up at a major crosswalk and bet pedestrians five dollars that they can’t find the “on” button within 30 seconds.
- Take off the speaker grilles. Put them back on. Take them back off. Put them back on.
- Give it to me.
- Drag it down to the local mall, set it up in the food court, launch Tony Hawk Pro Skater 4, and charge kids to play it by the minute.
- Do the exact same thing in the break room at your conservative corporate job. Charge the boss extra.
- Order it custom-built from the Apple Store with “extra cheese.” Cheerfully await their response.
- Donate it to your local school. On this one, I’m serious. Placing one eMac in a Mac-using school can start them on the path toward upgrading to MacOS X, and placing one eMac in a Windows-using school just might start them on a path to buying more Macs. Even if they don’t buy any more Macs, the kids in Windows-based schools should have the chance to touch at last one real computer before they graduate, right? Remember, it’s a tax write-off.
• • •
Monday, October 20, 2003
Great cartoon today.
Comments: 0 (Comments are now closed.)• • •
Monday, September 22, 2003
ABBOT: Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you?
Comments: 1 (Comments are now closed.)
COSTELLO: Thanks. I’m setting up a home office in the den, and I’m thinking of buying a computer.
ABBOT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name is Bud.
ABBOT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Bud.
ABBOT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?
ABBOT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don’t know. What do I see when I look out the windows?
ABBOT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOT: Software that runs on Windows?
COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?
ABBOT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOT: Recommended something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOT: Yes.
COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.
ABBOT: Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let’s say I’m sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOT: Word.
COSTELLO: If I’m writing a proposal, I’m going to need lots of words. But what program do I load?
ABBOT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOT: The Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in “office for windows?”
ABBOT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.
COSTELLO: I’m going to click your big W if you don’t give me a straight answer. Let’s forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?
ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it?
ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: If it’s a long movie I’ll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four?
ABBOT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Okay, so I’m sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOT: You click the blue 1.
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOT: The blue 1.
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?
ABBOT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there’s three words in “office for windows!”
ABBOT: No, just one. But it’s the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOT: Yes, although to be fair there aren’t many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.
COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?
ABBOT: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn’t even part of Office.
COSTELLO: Never mind; I don’t want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOT: Exactly. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get?
ABBOT: Just one copy.
COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn’t that illegal?
ABBOT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.
COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?
ABBOT: Why not? They own it.
COSTELLO: Well, it’s great that I’m going to get free money, but I’ll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?
ABBOT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.
COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: You sell money?
ABBOT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.
COSTELLO: That’s all very wonderful, but I’ll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?
ABBOT: Simply Accounting.
COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.
ABBOT: If you don’t want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?
ABBOT: Mind Your Own Business.
COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?
ABBOT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know—accounting? You do it with money.
ABBOT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.
COSTELLO: More money?
ABBOT: More than Money. Money can’t do everything.
COSTELLO: I don’t need a sermon! Okay, let’s forget about money for the moment. I’m worried that my computer might…what’s the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?
ABBOT: GoBack.
COSTELLO: Okay. I’m worried about my computer smashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend?
ABBOT: GoBack.
COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?
ABBOT: I’ve never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack.
COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven’t even been anywhere? Okay, I’ll go back. What do I need to write a proposal? Word.
COSTELLO: But I’ll need lots of words to write a proposal.
ABBOT: No, you only need one Word-the Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there are three words in…oh, never mind.
ABBOT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh well—Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you?• • •
Wednesday, September 17, 2003
Why Typos Often Get Past Proofreaders
(It helps if you sort of speed-read this.)
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is that the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Amzanig huh?
Comments: 3 (Comments are now closed.)Posted by Michael -- September 17, 2003 12:28 PMGot a link?
Posted by Lee Bennett -- September 17, 2003 03:23 PMI wish I had a source. I wanted to attribute it a little better, but it was forwarded to me as is.
After some web searching, I don't know if anyone really knows exactly where it came from--perhaps someone actually at Cambridge! :-) This thing is all over the web, now.
Posted by Jon Gales -- September 17, 2003 04:35 PMYou're right--tough to nail down where it first showed up. It's amazing though... I felt smart and then kind of duped. ha.
• • •
Saturday, September 13, 2003
If you don’t follow This Is True, you should. It’s a riot!
Anyhow, I came across this item and fell out of my chair laughing. It’s from the February 23, 2003 issue:
BEN IN BELGIUM, responding to the story about “Strine” (Australian slang) last week, writes: “Rich Australianese has been laced into English for the past 100 years. I enjoyed its descriptive comments during my five years with the U.K. services during WW2 and the appealing raw humour. I was in booksellers Foyle’s Charing Cross Road, London, where a well-known author was signing copies of his latest book. He asked your name and wrote ‘Best wishes ---’. The woman in front of me handed him a copy and said ‘emma chisit’ and he duly inscribed her copy ‘Best wishes Emma Chisit’. ‘Nah, nah,’ she exclaimed, ‘Emma chisit!’ I told her, ‘It’s five English pounds.’”© 2003 by Randy Cassingham, reprinted with permissionComments: 0 (Comments are now closed.)• • •
Thursday, August 14, 2003
Clever. [kottke.org]
Comments: 0 (Comments are now closed.)• • •
Tuesday, August 12, 2003
I love it! [~stevenf]
Comments: 0 (Comments are now closed.)• • •
Sunday, August 10, 2003
I know this was more relevant for OS X 10.0x and 10.1x, but it’s still funny and partially applicable. Now, who knows how to access the menu!
BTW, it’s a PNG image. If your browser can’t handle it, perhaps you can pay me enough to care.
Comments: 0 (Comments are now closed.)• • •
Tuesday, July 15, 2003
I just got a comment to my entry about Phillip Morris by Thomas Noe. (“I used to be called Thomas Wolf. Before that I was known as Thomas Mikkelsen.”) In ensuing e-mails about the topic, he complimented my blog—a new find for him. Naturally, I was prompted to check out his blog, Noetech, and I came across this gem:
“I’m not a fan of sayings on bathroom walls but this one I like.”
“No matter how hot s/he is, someone, somewhere is sick of her/his shit.”Comments: 0 (Comments are now closed.)• • •
Monday, June 30, 2003
How To Check If Someone Is Dead
This was told to me during lunch today:
Two hunters were out in the woods when one of them suddenly clinched his chest in agony and fell to the ground. The other hunter started getting hysterical over the situation yet had the presence of mind to get his cell phone and call 911. When the operator answered, the hunter squealed, “Please help! My buddy just fell to the ground. I don’t know what to do. I think he’s dead. Please hurry!” The operator asked the hunter to calm down so he could provide some more information. Once he’d settled down a little bit, the 911 operator said, “we need to make sure if he’s dead.” The hunter replied, “okay,” and set the phone down. The operator hears a BLAM and the hunter comes back on the line and says, “all right, now what?”
Comments: 1 (Comments are now closed.)Posted by Jon Gales -- June 30, 2003 03:04 PMDon't ask how I know this, but that was found to be the world's most funny joke. Always a fav of mine.
• • •
Thursday, June 26, 2003
They’re Smarter Than You Think
Never underestimate the intelligence of a 5-year-old.
My friend, Andy, heard this story on a Christian radio station and later found it at Cyberspace Community Church’s web site.
“Preparing for a family vacation, a father explained to his young children that they would be sitting in the car for a very long time. They were told they would not arrive at their destination until after dark and were warned not to keep asking, ‘Are we there yet?’ After a few minutes of peaceful driving, the 5-year-old daughter inquired, ‘Is it dark yet?’”Comments: 0 (Comments are now closed.)• • •
Wednesday, May 14, 2003
Reasons to Hate Star Trek (as if)
I keep a half an eye on Wil Wheaton’s blog. He recently pointed to a hilarious list of the Top Ten Things To Hate About Star Trek.
Comments: 0 (Comments are now closed.)• • •
Wednesday, April 16, 2003
“Scott Bruce, a stand-up veteran who has performed at venues all over the country, is an unabashed Apple advocate who gently berates Mac-hostile audiences with his partisan brand of humor.”
Full Wired News article.
Comments: 0 (Comments are now closed.)• • •
Sunday, March 23, 2003
Rhymes in the Dubya/Saddam Debate Rap-off
A little Sunday morning topical humor for ya:
You epitomize evil, persecution and hate.
But at least you’ve got a name I can pronounciate.Sad-H is in the house, don’tcha mess with me,
Or I’ll aim my last missile at the D of C.You didn’t disarm, now it’s time to fight,
And I’ll rock your ass like I rock the mic.My armories and factories and cribs have all been checked,
But there’s a missile in my pants Barb and Jenna can inspect!I’m Saddam, got de chahm wit’ all o’ de ladies,
So don’t go bombin’ like Vietnam in the Tigris and Euphrates.I’m rappin’ to you with my main man, Powell,
And we won’t stop the jam till you throw in the towel.From Top5.
Comments: 0 (Comments are now closed.)• • •
Friday, March 21, 2003
I stumbled across this Java-based game called Bridges and have never encountered anything quite like it. I’m getting addicted and haven’t even beaten it yet.
Comments: 0 (Comments are now closed.)• • •
Thursday, March 20, 2003
Punditry like this was inevitable.
Comments: 0 (Comments are now closed.)• • •
Tuesday, March 18, 2003
25-step Guide To Building Web Pages
Comments: 0 (Comments are now closed.)
- Download a piece of Web authoring software ≈ 20 minutes.
- Think about what you want to write on your Web page ≈ 6 weeks.
- Download the same piece of Web authoring software, because they have released 3 new versions since the first time you downloaded it ≈ 20 minutes.
- Decide to just steal some images and awards to put on your site ≈ 1 minute.
- Visit sites to find images and awards, find 5 of them that you like ≈ 4 days.
- Run setup of your Web authoring software. After it fails, download it again ≈ 25 minutes.
- Run setup again, boot the software, click all toolbar buttons to see what they do ≈ 15 minutes.
- View the source of others’ pages, steal some, change a few words here and there ≈ 4 hours.
- Preview your Web page using the Web Authoring software ≈ 1 minute.
- Try to horizontally line up two related images ≈ 6 hours.
- Remove one of the images ≈ 10 seconds.
- Set the text’s font color to the same color as your background, wonder why all your text is gone ≈ 4 hours.
- Download a counter from your ISP ≈ 4 minutes.
- Try to figure out why your counter reads “You are visitor number 16.3 E10” ≈ 3 hours.
- Put 4 blank lines between two lines of text ≈ 8 hours.
- Fine-tune the text, then prepare to load your Web page on your ISP ≈ 40 minutes.
- Accidentally delete your complete web page ≈ 1 second.
- Recreate your web page ≈ 2 days.
- Try to figure out how to load your Web page onto your ISP’s server ≈ 3 weeks.
- Call a patient friend to find out about FTP ≈ 30 minutes.
- Download FTP software ≈ 10 minutes.
- Call your friend again ≈ 15 minutes.
- Upload your web page to your ISP’s server ≈ 10 minutes.
- Connect to your site on the web ≈ 1 minute.
- Repeat any and all of the previous steps ≈ eternity
• • •
An old, bearded shepherd with a crooked staff walked up to a stone pulpit and said, “And lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?” And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, Dear?” And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).”
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy.
A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham’s drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only if you bought Brother Gates’ drumsticks.
And Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.” And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel or, as it came to be known, “eBay,” he said, “we need a name that reflects what we are,”
and Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.”“Whoopee!”, said Abraham.
“No, YAHOO!” said Dot Com. And that is how it all began.
(So, it wasn’t Al Gore after all!)
Comments: 0 (Comments are now closed.)• • •
A new pastor moved into town and went out one day to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back “Revelation 3:20,” and stuck it in the door.
After the following church service, as he was counting the offering, the pastor found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was a notation of “Genesis 3:10.” Upon opening his Bible to the passage, his face turned red, and he let out a roar of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 reads: “Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me.”
Genesis 3:10 reads: “And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked.”
Comments: 0 (Comments are now closed.)• • •
Wil must have a really demented mind to find (and spend time at) sites like these.
Start with this page that makes your childhood fantasies of flying come true.
Once you’ve managed to “Raise da Roof,” head on over to the game of Trogdor where you will be lured into spending many hours stepping on peasants in exchange for the gratifying payoff of the ability to Burninate!
Comments: 0 (Comments are now closed.)• • •
Sunday, March 16, 2003
“I thought I was addicted to the Internet, but the therapist at psychobabble.com says it’s just a phase I’m going through.”
From Top5.
Comments: 0 (Comments are now closed.)• • •
Wednesday, March 12, 2003
For all you ’nix nerds out there:
% unzip
% strip
% touch
% grep
% finger
% mount
% fsck
% more
% yes
% unmount
% sleepThanks, Chris.
Comments: 0 (Comments are now closed.)• • •
Tuesday, March 11, 2003
Dang! If you have any interest at all in Star Trek, let me suggest you take a few moments to do this personality test. I just went through it and I think it was dead on! I shouldn’t have to say, it is probably only going to be accurate if you answer honestly.
If you really must know, here are my results:
Myers-Briggs would say that you are an ISTJ (Introvert, Sensor, Thinker, Judger). In Star Trek language, you share a basic personality configuration with Spock and Miles O’Brien.People like you are generally logical, honest and upfront. You get impatient with phonies and people who are disorganized, though you keep your reactions to yourself, as you’re usually cautious and quiet, though not timid. Others find you reliable and will count on your being there in times of need. You make a loyal and responsible friend, though only when others remember that you’re conservative in nature.You’re literal, realistic, and practical. You’re a hard worker who does very well in highly detailed situations, as you’re careful and precise.You are also somewhat resistant to change and comfortable with routine. When change occurs, you’ll be the last one to fit it into your routine, but you’ll become an expert in time. You work much better to adapt to change when you see practical benefits.Your primary goal in life is to be of service and do your job well. Your best rewards are to be listened to and to be acknowledged for your hard work.Good careers for your type are operations officer, chief information officer, database administrator, police detective, and science officer.Comments: 1 (Comments are now closed.)Posted by taryn chekov -- February 17, 2004 09:55 PMthis shall be fun
• • •
I’ve already blogged the wonder that is PerversionTracker. Mostly for my own amusement and reminder, I simply had to take note at one of PT’s better analogies used to describe the perverse software it tracks. Where does this guy get his material! Hah.
“As useless as a yodeling ferret on a boogie board in the Serengeti.”
As I was typing this entry, Jon and I were discussing PerversionTracker. I’ve come to the conclusion that, in spite of my previously noted glee in reading the entries, PerversionTracker is starting to sound a bit like a broken record. It seems like everything lately is just a whack at a piece of REALbasic junk. I think PerversionTracker would start being a joy to read again if it simply had a blanket statement at the top of every page saying if it’s REALbasic, it’s too perverse even for this site. Then, start tracking nonREALbasic perversity.
Comments: 0 (Comments are now closed.)• • •
Saturday, March 08, 2003
From Top 5:
“I like to look on the bright side. Every day, I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”Comments: 0 (Comments are now closed.)• • •
Friday, March 07, 2003
Fast Enough to Catch Up To Itself
I just came across this News.com page that reports:
“Last November, a team of scientists broke the world record for transcontinental data transfer, sending two DVDs worth of data from Sunnyvale, Calif. to Amsterdam in less than a minute. That’s 6.7 gigabytes of data, traveling more than 6,800 miles at an average speed of 923 megabits per second, or more than 3,500 times faster than a typical home broadband connection.”Just for the sake of interest, I was amused when I scrolled a bit lower on this page and read a blurb about the most recent iMacs sporting Sony-manufactured SuperDrives that should be capable of writing both DVD-R and DVD+R, but only do DVD-R. I’d seen this story before and didn’t pay it much attention, but the headline of this one gave me a chuckle.
(DVD+R)+(DVD-R)-(DVD+R)=DVD-R
Comments: 0 (Comments are now closed.)• • •
This is a nifty little math puzzle-like thing I saw mentioned on Surfin’ Safari.
I suppose I should consider myself a pretty smart dude for figuring out how it works. I’ll tell you, but I’ll put it into a comment for this entry, so as not to immediately spoil the fun.
Comments: 1 (Comments are now closed.)Posted by Lee Bennett -- March 7, 2003 12:58 AMThis puzzle is a pretty spiffy mix of both mathmatical fun as well as ShockWave programming cleverness.
The number you come up with will always be a multiple of 9. All of the numbers in the table that are a multiple of 9 have the same symbol which, of course, the crystal ball will display when you click on it. The real clever part is that every time you go back to try it again, the symbols for just those numbers that are multiples of 9 change to a different symbol.
• • •
Tuesday, March 04, 2003
Browsers in the Hands of an Angry God
Yes, okay, I swiped this gem from PerversionTracker. It was too good to pass up.
Comments: 0 (Comments are now closed.)
- And the STEVE spake unto Avi and to Hyatt, saying unto them,
- Speak unto the children of Apple, saying, These are the browsers which ye shall use among all the software that are on the earth.
- Whatsoever implementeth the tabs, and render the text, and render the CSS, among the browsers, that shall ye use.
- Nevertheless these shall ye not use of them that render the text, or of them that implement the tab: as the Lynx, because he render the text, but implementeth not the tabs, nor render the CSS; he is unclean unto you.
- And the Internet Explorer, because he render the text, but implementeth not the tab, and render not the CSS; he is unclean unto you.
- And the iCab, because he render the text, but implementeth not the tab, and render not the CSS; he is unclean unto you.
- And the Opera, though he implement the tab, and render the text, yet he render not the CSS and he creepeth on the page loading; he is unclean to you.
- Of their code shall ye not use, and their executable shall ye not touch; they are unclean to you.
- These also shall be unclean unto you among the creeping things that creep upon the page loading; the Netscape 4.x, and the OmniWeb, and the WebDesktop after his kind.
- And upon whatsoever any of them, when they crash, doth fall, it shall be unclean; whether it be any disk, or CD, or server, or tape, whatsoever storage it be, wherein any work is done, it must be erased, and it shall be unclean until the even; so it shall be cleansed.
- And if any browser, of which ye may use, <blink>; he that toucheth the executable thereof shall be unclean until the even.
- For I am the STEVE your CEO: ye shall therefore sanctify yourselves, and ye shall be holy; for I am holy: neither shall ye defile yourselves with any manner of creeping browser that creepeth upon the page loading.
- For I am the STEVE that bringeth you up out of the land of Windows, to be your CEO: ye shall therefore be holy, for I am holy.
- This is the law of the browsers, and of the software, and of every application that runneth on the client, and of every application that loadeth upon the server:
- To make a difference between the unclean and the clean, and between the browser that may be used and the browser that may not be used.
• • •
The “Butcher of Song” is now OS X-native, complete with a PerversionTracker rating of 9.4.
Comments: 0 (Comments are now closed.)• • •
Friday, February 28, 2003
Jeez, I hope I don’t start a trend here, but this was hilarious! (Thanks, Cindy.)
—
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
- I do physical labour
- I work at great depths
- I plunge head first into everything I do
- I do not get weekends off or public holidays
- I work in a damp environment
- I don’t get paid overtime
- I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
- I work in high temperatures
- My work exposes me to contagious diseases
—
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
- You do not work 8 hours straight
- You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
- You do not always follow the orders of the management team
- You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
- You do not take initiative—you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
- You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
- You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
- You’ll retire well before reaching 65
- You’re unable to work double shifts
- You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day’s work
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
Comments: 0 (Comments are now closed.)
The Management• • •
Where’s John Bobbit when you need him?
Comments: 0 (Comments are now closed.)• • •
Seen on TheOneRing.net.
Thanks, Raena.
Comments: 0 (Comments are now closed.)• • •
Thursday, February 27, 2003
Ain’t it the truth? “Praise God from whom all gas pumps flow.”
Comments: 0 (Comments are now closed.)• • •
Wednesday, February 26, 2003
Oh bother, Chris beat me to the punch, but I’m posting it anyway. I learned a new word. Tchotchke is a Yiddish word for “trinket.” It’s pronounced CHOTCH-kah (short o) and I, like Chris, appreciate quality tchotchkes. Unfortunately, I have about a zillion and one sort-of-okay tchotchkes that I’ve not learned to throw away. But don’t let that give you the impression I don’t like getting other good ones.
By the way, one thing Chris didn’t beat me to is the fact that there is a same-named site that specializes in “trinket-o-logy.”
Comments: 1 (Comments are now closed.)Posted by chris -- February 27, 2003 11:55 AMDon't get me wrong: I'm for acquring as many tchotchkes as possible, the reasoning being that you have to separate the wheat from the chaff to get the quality pieces.
But you need to learn to dump the junk. After all, there are plenty of colleagues who appreciate the junk, and you may someday appreciate theirs.
• • •
Wednesday, February 19, 2003
10 fingers, 10 toes…aw crap, I’m metric!
From Top5
Comments: 0 (Comments are now closed.)• • •
Sunday, February 16, 2003
More rumination:
“Given the likely reaction to an increase in terror-alert level to ‘severe threat imminent,’ wouldn’t a more appropriate alert color be brown?”Comments: 2 (Comments are now closed.)Posted by Jon -- February 16, 2003 01:58 PMIt makes more sense not to have colors... They have to say what the color means every time. Just skip the color and say "high alert"
Posted by Raena -- February 17, 2003 02:07 AMYeah, but then you get what we have: "What does high alert mean? How is it different to yesterday?" Then we get a little fridge magnet and a booklet from the prime Minister and Senator Abetz telling us all in Really Simple Terms for the Really Simple People that "People who act weird are probably terrorists," and we're reminded of how much life sucks every day when we go for our morning coffee.
So, stick to the colour, y0.
• • •
Top5’s “Rumination of the Day” never ceases to amuse me.
“Today I realized the hour I extend my life by working out an hour every day has already been spent working out.”Comments: 0 (Comments are now closed.)• • •
Tuesday, February 11, 2003
Here’s proof that the Power Macintosh G4 design was inspired by the Buick Roadmaster.
Comments: 0 (Comments are now closed.)• • •
Monday, February 10, 2003
Welcome to the D.T.P. by Lee Arcade
Wanna play Pac-Man? (Requires Shockwave.)
Comments: 0 (Comments are now closed.)• • •
Sunday, February 02, 2003
Have you ever laid eyes on something and really wanted one of your own, no matter what it took to get it? I think I know exactly how the woman in this Nike Shox commercial feels. Alas, there’s just no way most of us could accomplish what she does…even if we owned a pair of Shox.
Please post a comment if, in the future, it seems Nike removed the ad. I saved it and will link to my own copy if that ever happens.
Comments: 0 (Comments are now closed.)• • •
Thursday, January 30, 2003
I felt the urge to share this Rumination of the Day which is included at the bottom of the Top5 List I subscribe to.
“The other day, I walked into a pawn shop and found that I couldn’t turn around until I had advanced all the way to the other end of the store and promoted myself to queen.” —Chris LipeComments: 0 (Comments are now closed.)• • •
Tuesday, January 28, 2003
On my way home from work this evening, a vehicle’s license plate sort of caught me off guard. I’ve seen some funny ones, some creative ones, some strange ones, and some I had to ponder for a moment. Tonight, however, the meaning of the 1I1I1I1 plate I noticed is still eluding me. Perhaps if it had been I1I1I1I1, I might have understood it—as in yelling, “I won! I won! I won!” But I took care to notice that the order was the other way around.
FWIW - on the topic of license plates, those of you who prefer the Macintosh platform might appreciate that my plate reads MAC-USER.
Comments: 0 (Comments are now closed.)• • •
(I realize this is probably old. Sue me.)
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to “Where do pets come from?”
Adam and Eve said, “Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.”
And God said, “No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.”
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, “Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.”
And God said, “No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.”
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, “Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.”
And God said, “No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.”
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat doesn’t care one way or the other.
Comments: 0 (Comments are now closed.)• • •
Comments: 0 (Comments are now closed.)
- Crack Found on Governor’s Daughter.
- Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says.
- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers.
- Iraqi Head Seeks Arms.
- Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
- Prostitutes Appeal to Pope.
- Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over.
- Teacher Strikes Idle Kids.
- Miners Refuse to Work after Death.
- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant.
- War Dims Hope for Peace.
- If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile.
- Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures.
- Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide.
- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges.
- Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead.
- Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge.
- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group.
- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft.
- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks.
- Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy.
- Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half.
- Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors.
• • •
Does This Even Qualify as Creativity?
Someone had WAY too much time on their hands. Unfortunately, I can tell you first-hand that this works better if you properly synchronize the characters.
Comments: 0 (Comments are now closed.)• • •
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© 2003-2004
A. Lee Bennett, Jr.
http://www.dtpbylee.com/blog/
Very funny stuff! I can imagine it now.